Swain Wodening’s Blog

I have tried very hard to keep personal business out of this blog, and keep it limited to things of a Heathen nature. I try to keep more personal posts to my Myspace and Heathen Places accounts. And even then for the past year I try to limit them. However, my readership here has a right to know what is going on with me, the reasons why posts here are getting less frequent. It is no secret that I have always been a controversial, almost flamboyant figure in Theodism. I know now that is in part because I have a mental illness, Bipolar II, that coupled with a life that has not been particularly easy has made me sometimes an emotional mess. The past three years have been particularly hard.

Anyhow, six years ago I was the leader of the largest Anglo-Saxon Heathen organization to ever exist, the Angelseaxisce Ealdriht. I had founded it with Winifred Hodge Rose, and it was best described as Theodish lite. It had a very involved membership with a large website and hosted gatherings every now and then. It was a very active and influential organization. I had just published my first book, and was working on more. And I was the proud father of a son, Oswin. I was also, at the time, married to the very beautiful and lovely Teresa Canote also known as Teresa Wodening. Tee was the Gods’ greatest gift to me, beautiful, smart, with a keen interest in everything Heathen, she was all anyone could ever ask for in a wife. I was deeply in love with her even if I did not always realize it. I still am.

About four years ago, that all began to unravel. Conflicts within the Ealdriht along with my desire and that of my kinsman Brian Smith to make it more Theodish led to much in fighting and conflicts. And my marriage began to fall apart too. I had an internet affair on Tee with a woman I met at a gathering, and that led to the discovery that I had all sorts of problems big and small, but most notably I have Bipolar II. Undiagnosed Bipolar II can destroy one’s life as it is characterized by cycles of depression and what is known as hypomania (periods of no sleep and high excitement). I also had abandonment and anger issues. Teresa and I began fighting more and more frequently until August 30, 2005. Then after three hours of fighting she made what sounded like to me a threat to our son’s life. She said, “I can make it so you never see Oswin alive again.” I snapped and had her by the throat before I knew what I was doing. Of course, she meant she could divorce me, but in the heightened emotions of the moment, I took it as she was going to kill our son. I moved out that night, only to move back in February to take care of Tee while she had pneumonia. The good thing is that we were through fighting and the next few months were tense, but bearable. Then at the end of May 2006, we had another fight that ended with me committing myself to the hospital. There I finally got stabilized on medication. When I was dismissed I moved back to Missouri at Tee’s insistence. Our marriage was basically over, though it lingered on in a few months of separation until about December. We were divorced in February of the following year.

In the meantime, the Angelseaxisce Ealdriht had suffered in its own way. In late 2004, differences in the the membership led to its dissolution with a new organization being formed, Miercinga Theod. Miercinga Theod was wholly Theodish but much smaller. I led it until the spring of 2006 when I allowed Tee to take over leadership due to the problems that were going on. It is now defunct having dissolved in March of 2008. I had left sometime previous to that.

Fast forward to now, I am divorced, stable, and now the author of three books. I am the thyle of Englatheod, an organization my brother founded, and the proud father of a bright six year old. This blog has been an overwhelming success, and I am also the member of a very active local Heathen fellowship. I own my car and my house. Things could not be going much better. Still, the losses hurt me. I still love my former wife, and would give up anything for us to be together as a family again. She has moved on with a new man in her life. But I cannot help but think both our lives would be much better if we were together. No offense to her man as I am sure they make a nice couple, but Tee and I do have a son together, and I still love her. And I am sure as he has been married before, he could find someone else. Yeah, I know, it is never going to happen, but it is good to have some hope. I only get to see my son a few times a year, and Englatheod has not been very successful at attracting members. There are days I would give anything to go back to 2004, to try to set straight all the things that went wrong with my life. I would do anything to be happy at home with Teresa and the boys in Texas, back at my old job, and leading a more Theodish Ealdriht. Alas that is not possible, and I must live with the consequences of my actions.

Which brings me to today. After waxing nostalgic for a few hours, and then feeling the pain of the losses I have had, I have done some thinking and am pondering some things. I could refound the Ealdriht, but I really do not want to lead a non-Theodish organization. Getting back together with my former wife is out of the question of course, as well, she wants nothing of me. I am finding it hard to come up with topics for this blog as my mind is preoccupied with the past. Which leaves me stuck as what to do with my life. But I am open to suggestions. What should Swain Wodening do next?

The past few months I have found myself worshiping the Idesa or tribal mothers more and more, also called the Matronae. It started quite simply. I called on their help with a project at work, and made an offering when I got their help. I then needed help with another project, and one thing lead to another, and now I pray to them at least once a week, and make an offering a month.

Evidence of their worship in ancient times is widespread. Amongst Germanic mercenaries in the Roman legions, altars were erected to their worship. These altars bore names such as Alatievia, Gabiae, and Aufanie. Many of the names deal with giving and gifts. According to Winifred Hodge Rose in her article, “Matrons and Disir:The Heathen Tribal Mothers,” “The primary functions of the mothers, as shown in the inscriptions, were to help in time of need, to protect, to watch over a family or clan, to help in fertility and childbirth, to heal, and possibly to give protection in battle.” It is not clear whether they are to be identified with the Norse Dúsir or not. Like the Dúsir, the Matronae seem linked to war, fate, and the family. It is probably safe to assume they are one and the same, although I am sure arguments could be made they are not. Scholar Rudolf Simek sees them as being so, and also links Anglo-Saxon Modraniht to the Matronae. That is Modraniht or “Mothers’ Night” was a celebration of the Matronae.

Back to my own interaction with them, I usually pray to them and ask for some favor. It is nothing elaborate, really quite simple. I then offer them something in return if they help me, a bottle of wine, piece of jewelry, or a poem in their honor. If I receive their help, and I have yet to fail in getting their help, I give them the gift, again in a quite simple way. I have found my interaction with them far more rewarding than with the greater Gods and Goddesses or even the land wights. I would strongly suggest that if a Heathen does not already, that they include the Idesa in their worship.

I am not one to proselytize, but it plays a part in Englatheod. The concept is called “seeding.” The idea is that once one has become a full member in good standing in the theod, that they find others of like mind, and thus form a “kindred” (to use Asatru terminology) of the theod. It is hoped through that means Englatheod will grow. The concept is really simple. The Englatheod member learns as much as they can about Theodism. They then find other Heathens in their area that might be interested in Theodism, and try to interest them in it. If they are not interested, no problem, at least they made another Heathen contact. If they are, the Englatheod member begins teaching them about Theodism. It occurred to me that the concept of “seeding” can be used by other types of Heathenry. Heathens can seek out those that may be interested in Heathenry, and then try to “convert” them. I know that it is said our religion does not proselytize, but if we do not, we may never grow in numbers. Our numbers are so low that without action on our parts, we will never gain in numbers. We cannot expect growth through breeding, nor can we really wait around as people convert themselves. We must, myself included start spreading the word of Heathenry around. Now, I am not saying we be like the Jehovah’s Witnesses, but we can at least mention it to folks that might be interested.

Monday is Memorial Day, and a time in general for Americans to remember their dead. The first Memorial Day was observed May 1, 1865 in Charleston, South Carolina. The first official Memorial Day was observed May 5, 1866 in Waterloo, New York. As a nation it was enacted in 1868 to remember those slain in the Civil War. At that time it was known as Decoration Day. It was not until 1882. For years it was simply to remember deceased veterans, but today all dead are remembered. On Memorial Day flowers are placed on the graves of the dead, and there are many ceremonies to respect dead veterans. It has become in essence, a way Americans worship the dead, or at least respect them. Therefore, Memorial Day should be an important Day for Heathens. As a religion that practices ancestor worship, what a better day for Heathens to respect their ancestors. On this day, Heathens should place flowers on the graves of their ancestors, perhaps even perform remembrance symbels. It is a time when grain could be burned on the graves of the dead (according to Theodore, archbishop of Canterbury in the 7th century grain was burned on the graves of the dead). Memorial Day is a day when Heathens can and should recognize their ancestors.

Of late, I have been taking a long look at the choices I have made. I work a job I hate at hours I would rather be asleep. I think I would be much happier even if I were homeless. But responsibilities keep me from that. I must work a job to provide for my son, and this one pays the best in the town I am in. Our lives as Heathens are full of responsibilities, whether we choose to accept them or not. And they are full of choices. We can choose to worship the Gods and respect the ancestors and land wights, or we can choose not to. Our responsibilities do not change. Too, we are responsible for our actions, we can choose to live honorably or not to. Just as with my job, we can choose to live “homeless,” and fail to take responsibility for our actions, fail to worship the Gods and so on, or do the right thing. It is all up to us. We have the free will to do as we please. So what do we get out of being responsible? Our lives will hopefully be enriched, our luck improved, and our lives see fulfillment in some way. For me that means creating a better life for my son than I have had. I want the Gods and ancestors to love him, and give him a quality of life I have not seen. And I do this by living a responsible life.